Life Keeps Going (June 2017)

Wow.

We graduated.

It actually seems so long ago, playing along the cliffs above the ocean, dancing, partying, talking and smiling and crying.

Doing one thing after the other, going to one event after the other, a blur of pure joy, bliss and celebration.

Graduation was perfect. Waking up at 5AM for mimosas, sending off the 9AM friends to their graduation, sharing drinks before the 1PM ceremony, seeing and talking to Ben, sitting with a group of my friends, listening to the speeches… It’s already nostalgia! How odd it is that things fly by so quickly. That momentous parts of your life seem so long ago when partitioned by a figurative chapter ending and chapter beginning. That was college. Now it’s not.

I guess, in whole, I’m thankful.

I’m so thankful. For everything life has bestowed upon me – friendship, family, learning, loving, experiencing joy. For everything it’s thrown at me – mindlessness, worry, negative bouts, loss. Because in the end, I am extraordinarily happy. And the fact that I feel this happy means the world has given me a lot. I can only take so much credit for my joy, and it’s a small portion.

I’m talking to the people I met who became my best friends these past 22 years. To the people I met who became my acquaintances the past 22 years. The people I met who, if I see anywhere in the world, would make my day. You all give me this unspoken sense of comfort and trust, founded in the possibility of crossing paths and creating joy. Founded in the foundation you gave me that believes people are good, the history of good friendship and reciprocation that leads me to think the world is full of people like you.

Also, I’m stoked.

I’m stoked that I’m young.

That there’s so much life left to live.

I’ve decided what I want to do. I want to specialize in creative production and editing (video & photo mainly, but also editorial for websites and design). And ultimately move people in positive and meaningful directions with it. Give people joy, recognition, comfort, safety, opportunity. Because I was given these things, while others were (and are being) stripped of it.

I want to travel more.

I want to love more.

I want to experience more. To make a career for myself. To fail. To succeed.

To hang off of the world by my fingertips, and jump into something I didn’t know was there before.

I want to be surprised. I want to live!

Really though, thank you.

Thank you UCSB. Thank you Isla Vista. Thank you Davis. Thank you Sweden. Thank you everything that has ever taken place in my life.

I have so much privilege.

I only aspire to work to build others the same.


June

*GRADUATION WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HOW IS THIS HAPPENING NOW WHAT

*The END of college

*The BEGINNING of something new… Transitioning home/post-graduation, hopping around California (& going to the Pacific Northwest), visiting friends and having good ol’ fun

*A new format for the journals!

6/1

  • Going to campus & running into Katie, going to the library to study, Shauna joining
  • Biking home & doing creative work 🙂 goes by so fast
  • Going for a quick run before grad photos
  • GRAD PICS with the house! I can’t believe it’s happening so soon, taking whiskey shots in the car lawl, climbing up on Henley gate, taking photos with my stuffed mechanical penguin & beer & champagne
  • Pregaming by myself while Sean watches TV lawl, gathering peeps to go downtown
  • Chugging whiskey & vodka in the uber, GETTING DOWNTOWN w/ Drew, Bridget, Loy, Nug, Wu, and all the other house/LAX folks, making drinks with the alcohol we snuck in at Sharkeez… Seeing David Welsh! Catching up 🙂 talking about how abroad really changes you, talking about next year, everything (I HAVE to visit David when he’s living in the Bay Area next year!)
  • O’MALLEY’S! 🙂 Seeing so many friends, Paul buying Gretchen & I beers – dancing w/ Connor Paul Casey Emma … Seeing Ashley!!! Dancing w/ Ash 🙂 … Seeing Julie!!!!!!… SINGING SONGS OFF THE TOP OF OUR LONGS, ALL DOPE OLDIES HITS
  • Gretchen being hilarious lol “I’m sober” getting kicked out & taking off shirt to get back in / falling down stairs / peeing in the alleyway before Bill’s Bus… EVERYONE mauling each other to get on the bus, screaming, fighting, everyone is savage… Gretchen + Paul… Talking to Ty about his relationship/life… Getting off the bus & going to Deja Vu, seeing Denley and talking about grad :0
  • Thoughts: I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS HERE it is ridiculous and amazing, and I really don’t know if anything will be like this ever again. I guess that goes for every part of life though, you just have to enjoy every aspect of your experience, because it is constantly changing, shifting, and going in a different direction

6/2

  • Waking up & going to Java to do work w/ Mals & Shauna is a fake homie
  • Going grocery shopping w/ Rebecca 🙂 can’t believe we’re all leaving so soon… Crazy!!! Blows my mind that she’ll be back in Sweden too, blows my mind that I was IN Sweden… Life is freaking weird
  • Going to the gymmm
  • Going to Draughthaus Brewing w/ Jack, Jackie, Deena, & Ben with a water bottle full of beer (b/c I’m broke AF), asking to eat the other table’s cake and eating it… Ubering back to I.V., talking to Olivia on the phone (we all miss her), drinking with Bridget & everyone else at my house, seeing Dom & David and talking for a bit, can’t believe we used to live together sophomore year!… Running around not really doing anything, drunk I.V. things
  • Thoughts: Life is wonderful, life is great, sometimes I think I don’t have something, like I’m lonely, but I realize that comes from being a total extrovert. When I have so many incredible people around me, when there’s so much going on, it feels like I have to constantly be with people to be happy, but I realize that’s not true – independence is important when it comes to well-being, extremely important, to realize that it is incredible that your path crosses with others, but ultimately you have to write your own story. It’s up to us to find a stable sense of well-being, not others, although they can help us find our way. I think about Jack, because he is a very independent person – seems happy to be on his own but also happy when he’s with everyone, whereas I have been feeling kind of the opposite the past few weeks, as if when I’m not with people there’s something wrong with that. And then I get a little bit upset or bored, because I wait on people, I wait on having “fun” because the fact is you won’t be with people 24/7 of every day, but that’s not the point. The point is that you are in charge of your entire experience, of your contentment, other people only help grow it, celebrate it. I still think people is the main reason life is good. I still think that without people, I would be nothing. You have to have people in your life. But to believe that you can’t be anything in their absence is a false notion birthed from being a social butterfly. Your friends really help you see things you need to, even when they don’t try to
  • Grateful for: I’m grateful for the people in my life, for my family who is always there, my friends who are truly amazing, and for the situation I’ve been born into.

6/3

  • Waking up early and doing work, hanging out with Meg on the cloudy IV morning 🙂
  • Going to the gym on my own and realizing that what freaked me out about graduation was the loss of social support, what makes me anxious to constantly socialize, or what makes me think that being alone is bad, is the fear of not having the social support that I have regardless of how often I see every single person in my life. I realized that this time in our lives is incredible – we get to be independent, we get to pursue our careers, we get to continue meeting incredible people and building a network out of the world
  • Deciding to throw a party next week & do slosh ball tomorrow
  • Meeting Jack at Java to study 🙂
  • Going to Connor and Paul’s to say hi… PMH with Jackie and friends… Going to see IMANI with Shauna is a fake homie! Pregaming with Shauna & Mals & others at Pirate… Going to music video with Shauna and Joe lol… Going to Ben’s flannel party, dancing with Jackie solo lol, dancing with Deena solo lol, hanging with Rebecca and friend upstairs… Drinking more seeing Sarah and Julie, seeing Dom!!!!
  • Eating WAY TOO MUCH alone drunk, sitting on the kitchen floor lolol, sleeping on the couch
  • Thoughts: I care about people too much and I don’t need to, I should honestly focus more on myself and the people that are there in the 1st place… What is the point of drinking???… Independence is something I still need to learn, sustainable joy found from within and from life itself, non-reliant of individual expectations of other people. I need to learn how to treat the people around me with TOTAL love and ZERO expectations, because expectations often stem from your own insecurities, of loneliness or a lack of something. I have to work on EMPATHY for my best friends, because I often forget that they have there own experiences. Isn’t that weird? It is so easy to not have expectations for the people you are less close to, and treat them with total kindness and acceptance, because you don’t have self-focused expectations of them. LEARN THAT YOUR FRIENDS ARE NOT ONLY YOUR FRIENDS. THEY ARE THEIR OWN PEOPLE. Just because you love them to the point where it hurts does not mean they should fit into your every demand.
  • Grateful for: My friends. The friends I have made throughout my entire life, the ones who dance with me even though their significant others are there, the ones who stick around even when I feel crazy. I’m grateful for being young too, for having a future to carve out for myself that can help others.
  • Excited for: Graduation. Every minute of the next two weeks leading up to graduation. Not having to drink excessively after leaving I.V., and having to drink excessively before leaving because I will miss every aspect of this youthful experience. After graduation, finding out who I am and who I can be.

6/4

  • Waking up, walking to my bike, biking to Java station 🙂 listening to a podcast
  • Reading outside Java Station & studying with Shauna
  • Biking home from Java Station 🙂 still listening to the podcast on how nutritional science is based off of a flawed focus on caloric laws, ignoring how foods interact with our hormones, etc. (we should NOT eat sugar or refined carbs, we can eat bacon and eggs)
  • Barbecuing on Goleta Beach!!! Reading The Opposite of Loneliness by Marissa Keegan :), what an amazing literary genius… Full of emotion, relativity, connection, LIFE, such a tragic story but beautiful composition of her work… Picking up Nug w/ Bridget and bringing her to Goleta Beach, eating BBQ and graham crackers and all, watching the sun set, running around the sand 🙂
  • Thoughts: Every aspect of our negative experiences or moments where we are upset, flustered, not happy with things PASSES. And we don’t remember them. Think back to a time in your life you LOVE looking back on – you were not happy all of the time. When I think about being abroad, WOW it was the best year of my life! But was it easy? No! It’s never easy. Never never never. But it’s amazing. We NEED to remember this, it can help us through every hardship, little or big. We need to remember that our experiences we deem amazing consist of negative experiences, and that the negative is only inconvenient if we make it inconvenient. There’s no need to be upset about being upset. There’s no need to be upset. … We are so young. WE ARE SO YOUNG. THERE IS SO MUCH LIFE TO BE LIVED THAT WE SHOULD CHERISH, EVERY MOMENT!!! 🙂
  • Grateful for: My youth. The number of endless possibilities that could form today, tomorrow, next week, next year… We are 22 years old and full of opportunity, potential, everything. It gives me chills. I’m thankful for the people in my life that care about me, all of the friends I have made this year, close and acquaintances, the community of Isla Vista that gives me so much joy and realization.
  • Excited for: The next chapter. Figuring out my life, amidst other people, with other people, helping out my family, bettering my health to the next level. The ups, the downs, the escapes, the confrontations. All of it.

6/5

  • Waking up and reading “The Opposite of Loneliness” 🙂
  • Grabbing Bagel Cafe for breakfast w/ Nilesh & Joe, more peeps to see after graduation
  • Going to the music library and making the PILOT to the Hhhumans podcast
  • Going home, running to the gym, working out
  • Sunset on Sands with Shauna :), BEAUTIFUL, talking about next year & how we’ll be in new places, around new people, it’s up to us to be ourselves
  • Co op snacks + TV with Shau, and reading “The Opposite of Loneliness”
  • Sleeping over at Shau’s
  • Thoughts: We. Are. So. Young. I love this place, this time, this youth, and I don’t want to follow the belief that it dies as we age. This youth is life, and I want us to keep living it.
  • Grateful for: Shauna, my best friend who has always been there since high school. My best friends in college, my friends, my family. The privilege I have to have had the opportunity to retrieve my education at UCSB without working three jobs, or accumulating student debt. The privilege I have to be a U.S. born citizen, to live on the ocean, to be young and healthy.
  • Excited for: Making the Isla Vista documentary, a project I hold close to my heart. Every damn minute of the future. Every minute of now, of then, of this life. There is so much. SO MUCH to be grateful for, to find to be grateful for, to explore, to discover, to learn.

6/6

  • Morning study session at Java Station w/ Shauna
  • Going over to Ashley’s to have tea 🙂 catching up, talking about graduation, saying friendly goodbyes and I love you’s biking our separate directions
  • Going to the gym w/ Shauna, laughing b/c she hates weights, making noises as we do abs… I’m so good at fake sex noises it’s quite impressive
  • Grabbing beers and food at Los Agaves w/ Jack and Jackie :), talking & laughing, seeing Dylan who I don’t even know but know through Facebook hahahaha what a weird time to be alive… Going back to Jackie’s house, hanging out in her room & talking about graduation, texting Grace Kim in NY about her transition
  • Going on a walk with Mika who was freaking out about graduation, talking about this place, the ocean, our next steps, her change in career interests (to public health!) and mine… Hanging out at Mika’s with Eliana, eating cookies & talking & laughing 🙂
  • Hanging w/ Bridget & Aaron for a bit at home 🙂
  • Chilling with Gretchen & Paul at Gretch’s place, also talking about graduation, laughing 🙂
  • Thoughts: I love my friends, I love Ashley, I love all of them. I have so many people in this world who I would happily see at any point in my life. So many people around and beyond California. How did I get so lucky? In high school, in college, abroad… There are so many incredible, positive, bright people in this world that solidify my belief that life is good, people are good.
  • Grateful for: MY FRIENDS, the people I’ve met so far at age 22. The ability to look at a map and feel connected, secure, excited to travel to places and stay with people and see the world through their eyes. The fact that I’m only 22, and there are so many more incredible people to cross paths with on this incredible journey.
  • Excited for: The party we’re throwing on Friday! Graffiti themed hahaha, everyone will wear white shirts and we’ll supply sharpies and we’ll all write on each other (trashed) as if we were yearbooks… I love this place incredibly. Also, starting to film the I.V. documentary! After contacting friends and putting together a scheduling poll we have some interviews to film :). AAAND making other creative projects. AND graduation. AND summer after graduation… Visiting everyone. AND seeing family. I am excited for this entire freaking life and believe, wholeheartedly, that I always will be.

6/7

  • Studying at the Psych office, seeing Dr. Kim & Kimin & Smaranda
  • Going home, setting up film equipment w/ Aaron, filming interviews w/ Damian, Justin, & Casey!!! 🙂
  • Going to yoga with Jackie, low key high key dying and sweating my body weight in water :), really attractive guy in front of us… Yoga makes beautiful people (or do beautiful people go to yoga?), walking around K-mart waiting for Jackie to get her stuff
  • Going back to CorePower to get my phone & seeing Maya 🙂
  • PINT NIGHT + Dublin’s with Jack, Jackie, Deena, Ben, Bridget, Aaron, Nug
  • Snacks + sleeping over at Shauna’s, Maia visiting… Falling asleep to Casey & VQ’s Ultralight beam cover and the autotune videos Nug sent me (Truuudddy Prooouuud, is one thik bihhh, let me see that dussy) HAHAHA
  • Thoughts: I love my friends, and I love my life. I love walking on the streets of IV seeing friends, going in Goleta and seeing friends, biking places and seeing friends… I love them all. I also want to branch out in areas that I don’t usually take on in life, new types of relationships, interactions, etc… Love? I keep seeing people I haven’t met, who seem awesome (and attractive). I think we get so caught up in our little circles and wait for people to engage with us, but we ALL DO THAT. Then there are the people who constantly engage – I do that often to initiate friendships, but never with people that interest me in different ways… I LOVED the feeling of filming something (the interviews) that we set up to actually look good, sound good, and for a purposeful project. I want to keep doing this.
  • Grateful for: Everything, so much so, that it hurts. It hurts in the most beautiful way possible. It’s this knotted feeling in the bottom of my stomach that spreads warmth to every inch of where I imagine my heart to be (I didn’t take anatomy). For this place, these people, this life, these moments, this era. LIFE. ALL OF IT. EVERYTHING. Everything.
  • Excited for: EVERYTHING LEADING UP TO GRADUATION. I want to CRY AHHHHHHHH. I can’t express how much this all means to me. A spontaneous landshark tomorrow… Throwing our party Friday. Family here for graduation. Graduation. WHAT is happening.

6/8

  • Studying at Music lib with Shauna, turning in the DAMN THESIS
  • Shooting interviews for the Isla Vista Documentary 🙂 of Ashley & Katie
  • Going to Mals’ friend’s thing, the Earth Sciences class presentation BBQ with beer and wine!!! Our campus rocks… Spontaneously crashing the Chem E landshark with Nug and Mallory, going ham with Julie, Dom, Jess, Grayson, etc. … Getting a lyft to Taco Bell & walking to Trader Joe’s to get a salad and kombucha (drunk) haha, Chem E friend (who none of us know) throwing up and being drunk af unable to handle himself, older lady who works at CAPS being overly concerned and calling the cops, such a disrespectful woman who belittled Nug, me, & Mals… “I’ve seen this kids die” are you fucking kidding me lady, you actually know nothing. AGE DOES NOT EQUAL INTELLIGENCE. At all.
  • Being pissed off with Nut about the extremely rude CAPS lady, what an ignorant ****… Going to Storke tower for Natalie’s concert with No Vacation, seeing friends 🙂 Eliana, Connor, Emma, Shauna etc.
  • Going home to Tenaya & her friend Megan, drinking beers and then trying to catch a ride with Kat but then running into MORE bullshit of the day, a cop (obviously in training) pulling us aside and asking for our ID’s (carrying CLOSED containers to the car), then pulling aside Kat who had 1 BEER, 1 BEER and telling her not to drive, Kat then going home and breathalyzing herself and getting 0.0… Some cops are fucking idiots… Walking to Bill’s Bus, drinking an absurd # of beers and wine, going downtown & SENDING IT, dancing around … Blacking lol, FREEBIRDS, eating everything

6/9

  • Chilling at home with the house during the day 🙂 with Aaron, Nug, & Meg, hungover af
  • Filming peeps! Monica & Hannah, Shauna & Imani 🙂 I love these people so much
  • Biking to the co op and getting halo top + kombucha … Hanging out at home more, making playlists for the party with meg
  • Yoga taught by Maya with Jackie & Jack (still hungover), getting head massage at the end SO AWESOME
  • PREPPING FOR THE PARTY! Going to Costco and Smart & Final w/ Nug, Loy, and Bridget 🙂 I LOVE THEM SO MUCH… Stopping at the Dubs club party & grabbing food
  • OUR PARTY, graffiti themed, Emma helping make the punch, seeing EVERYONE!!!!!!! Grace, Hannah, Camille, all my friends, Casey, Damian, Kai, Andrew, Ben, Monica, Sydney, Bey & Deena, Jack & Jackie, Olivia coming after getting in from L.A. … Getting turnt, keg stands, music, singing, 🙂 so many friends … Ben having a heart to heart with me about being friends forever … Everyone lit AF … Apparently blacking out, walking with Jack and Jackie apparently then eating food on my kitchen floor and falling asleep on the couch lol

6/10

  • Waking up at 12pm lol
  • Getting breakfast/lunch with money and Shauna is a fake homie, people watching for a while outside Silvergreens 🙂
  • Going to the pool w/ Olive :), watching all the attractive AF guys swim
  • Grad pics w/ Ben, Olivia, Jack, & Hannah 🙂
  • Drinking and hanging in IV w/ friends, going to Ben’s party real quick then back to Olivia’s to smoke
  • Hanging at Ben’s party till late, chilling on the balcony, seeing so many friendly faces :)… The last party in I.V.
  • Going home, writing, staying up till 3:00AM thinking about graduation, life, the people who I won’t be seeing anymore… Writing down all the names of the people I say hi to, smile to, and feel a thread of friendship with in this magical community known as Isla Vista
  • Thoughts: It is unbelievable to think that this is all ending, that we won’t have this – any of this – after we graduate. That we won’t see these people, these faces, have these parties, stay up watching the moon cascade over the ocean while drinking beer and taking shots, listening to live music, conversing with SO MANY FRIENDS, biking around and seeing more people, going to a variety of places in one night, doing so many things in one day… I am going to miss it. So. Fucking. Much. I can’t really contemplate what it is going to be like after this, after Isla Vista. But I know that it has given us an extraordinary amount of trust in the joys, optimism, and good parts of life. In the best parts of life. Because we know them, we’ve lived them, and we’ve created them.
  • Grateful for: So many friends. To be able to know so many people who are ready to say hello, smile, and embrace each other with open arms. The number of people who astonish me every day with their positivity and love. I have never lived in a community in which I’ve felt it this much. To be able to have experienced this is, in of itself, everything. It is everything. I wrote a list of people yesterday. People I probably won’t be seeing after this. People I probably won’t be calling after this. And I am so, so, so grateful for them. I am so grateful for them and hope I never forget the joys they have given me, simple and large. I also wrote down he names of people from high school, from Sweden, from Asia — I am so so so SO SO SO lucky. So lucky these past 22 years that I can barely be scared or anxious for what is next. Because these past moments of my life have delivered a testimony: That life is wonderful.
  • Excited for: Graduation. We did it. It’s huge. It’s incredible. We’ve lived so many outstanding experiences and I do, beyond the scared notions and doubts and anxiety for loss, trust that we will continue doing outstanding things. This community can do outstanding things. LET’S DO THEM. I am also excited to spend time with my family, even though it will be hard to transition back to a place where youth is stamped and movement stagnant. But I love my family and spending them with them in periods like this is becoming a rare occasion. I want to embrace it fully.

6/11

  • Waking up to an empty living room after Kat moved her furniture out… D:
  • Studying with Olivia, Jackie, and Deena at SB Roasting Co.… Talking to Olivia about how crazy it is that we’re graduating, that we’re leaving… The next moves… Moving home… Everything is crazy
  • Catching up with Raquel and talking with Maia 🙂
  • Going on a walk with Ashley to Sands, running into Maia, getting a little emotional … Yelling “FUCK SHIT ASS” because we literally cannot process what is going on
  • Grabbing a jar at PMH with Olive and Jack, talking and talking 🙂
  • Eating garbanzo beans on the deck, watching the blue/purple/pink sky set above the ocean water… THIS is everything
  • Chilling at home, Dom sending me the new Kasbo playlist on Soundcloud, Jack calling about going to the gym tomorrow morning
  • Meg coming home happy 🙂
  • Thoughts: It is incredible how each and every one of us is going through this transition, heartbroken, happy, sad, optimistic, excited, nostalgic… I love how connected we are here, how relevant these experiences are. Your crazy thoughts, your manic smiles, your joys, your sorrows, your fears, your hopes… They’re all validated by this youthful community in which we all share similar experiences. It is incredible to be able to look at my friends and feel an entire world of warmth and memories. Of love and belief and excitement. Of sorrow and disbelief that we have to leave this. But I guess we’re not ending it. We can keep it going. These friendships these feelings these moments this living. IT doesn’t have to end.
  • Grateful for: The fact that I have been able to live here. To experience this. To know Isla Vista and know myself in it. To know UCSB and know the people who go here. To know that everything I could have ever asked for in college was given to me on a slice of the ocean, a community of kids becoming adults. Adults being kids. I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so fortunate. SO fortunate. To have lived these past 22 years surrounded by amazing human beings who help me see things brighter than I ever could on my own. Davis, Sweden, Japan, Myanmar, Isla Vista… Isla Vista. I am grateful that places like this exist, to remind us that life is good. To instill in us a belief that life can be good if we make sure it is.
  • Excited for: Graduation. Seeing everyone in the future. Seeing people do great, outstanding things for this world and to this world. We are a special community. And I cannot wait to see the special things that take place by the people who have lived here, in the lives of the people who have lived here. The world is our oyster, whatever the fuck that means. And we’re about it make it the best damn oyster there’s ever been.

6/12

  • Waking up and going to the gym with Jack 🙂 working out… Feeling emotional AT THE FREAKING GYM listening to music, looking out the window… I am going to miss EVERYTHING WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING hahahaha ahhhhhhh
  • Chilling out and talking at home shortly w/ Loy, Kat, and Sean before starting the day, biking with Kat and Sean
  • Studying w/ Mals and Shauna at Caje… Tearing up together after Mals realized we won’t be doing this anymore
    • Going to the bathroom at Embarcadero, seeing Alise on the short stroll back to Caje & talking briefly about her going back to Sweden, there is so much change about to take place!!!
  • Getting my last haircut at SB cosmetology school!!! :0
  • Going to hot yoga w/ Shauna at Core Power… HOW is it this easy to just hang out with friends, to constantly be doing things, and surrounded by amazing people…
  • Going to Sands w/ Nug, laying out, running into the water 🙂 … Washing all the nasty tar off of myself in the shower lol … Running into so many people (Cloughesy, Rebecca’s Simon from Sweden)
  • Doing our separate things in the house, and then deciding to go to Break Time (dive bar in Goleta) with just Nug & Me, Sean and Kat joining!!! Doing a power “hour” and finishing a bottle of 20% sake stuff… Playing pool at Break Time, Nug going to Taco Bell by herself and bringing everyone back food, literally eating and laying drunk AF on a chair while me and Kat play pool, and Sean talks to some stranger at the bar… Nug making a vlog of herself HAHAHAHAHAHA… Getting home and me laying on my bed thinking to myself “Haha I can’t fall asleep like this I’ll get up” and then getting up at 8AM when my alarm goes off the next morning
  • Thoughts: THIS. TYPE. OF. LIVING. IS. INCREDIBLE. To be surrounded by your friends! To be doing different things all the time and then merging and doing things together! HOW is it not like this for the rest of our lives? Can’t it be?
  • Grateful for: The stupid shit we are allowed to do when we are young. The crazy, the unacceptable, the drinking when we should be studying, the falling asleep with your clothes on, the taking dumb videos and making fun of ourselves. The laughing at ourselves. When does it become unacceptable? I plan to keep this going, to some extent, forever. To continue laughing at myself. To continue taking life not more seriously than it should be taken.
  • Excited for: The reunions. The video sharing, the story sharing, the nostalgia sharing… But also, not… Fuck. I guess it’s just all changing. I guess, I guess… I guess I’m excited for the moments I’ll be making with other people, sadly but realistically. The memories I’ll be making with the new people that surround me wherever I end up after college. But also, the memories I have made here, looking back on them and having them as a foundation of trust in life. Life is good. Life is worth living.

6/13

  • Nug sending me videos from the night before, laughing out loud… Talking with Loy in my room about last night and just life! 🙂
  • Going for a run, walking around, sitting down on the cliffs in front of the tree :), two different dogs running up to me and their owners smiling, seeing Rebecca & friend tanning 🙂
  • Biking to the health psych final (the fourth time I’ve been to class HAHA), taking the final w/ Mals and Shauna, giving them beer in water bottles
  • Getting thank you cards from the bookstore and seeing Justin!!!! 🙂
  • Seeing Pirate friend and Connor on the way to PMH, SEEING TOMMY and his girlfriend on the way to PMH!!!
  • Drinking and eating pizza (and buying a PMH shirt :D) with Mallory Meg Kat Shauna Nug AND THEN Bridget!!! … Thinking to myself as I look around the restaurant, everyone with jars… “WE AEE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WE ARE THE SAME AS…. WE ARE ALL THE SAME… THIS IS AMAZING”
  • Picking up Jack on the way to Lao Wang’s, seeing Jackie at Caje studying! :))… Going to Lao’s with everyone and getting a pitcher b/w me, Jack, and Nug, CDP and Ty joining… Going to Study hall w/ everyone and taking pictures with Meg, Nug, etc. … DANCING with everyone!
  • Walking back to our bikes w/ Kat and seeing Eric (who always used to hangout with us in Paul/Connor’s room) from freshman year at Woodstock’s, seeing Rebecca and Alise at Aladdin’s! SEEING EVERYONE AT PMH – VQ CASEY JUSTIN DAMIAN COLLIN ETC.!!! I LOVE I.V. SO FUCKING MUCH
  • Chilling at home and then Bridget telling me to come to Aaron’s room cause she bought hot cheetos, Bridget just chilling on Aaron’s bed by herself eating hot cheetos HAHAHA, hanging out 🙂 Nug joining and us just being dumb, young, drunk college kids, joking around, laughing a lot, taking videos… :))))))
  • Thoughts: I HAVE nothing but gratitude. I have everything here. Everything I could possibly want or need or ask for. But I also realize that there is SO MUCH MORE out there in the world to see, I’m young. I can’t stay here. I couldn’t. But I am cherishing every fucking moment I have here because it is incredible. It is fucking incredible. I’m cursing because there’s no other way to note the extravagance with which this place influences you, how it changes you, makes you happy, makes you fearless, makes you content.
  • Grateful for: The fact that I was able to meet so many incredible people here. So many incredible people who have given me endless smiles and a never ending abundance of warm moments, embracing hellos, sentiments I will never forget nor fail to practice myself for the rest of my life. Isla vista is everything, and I am so fortunate to have lived here. To have lived this place, these people, this experience, this identity. I love you Isla Vista, I love you.
  • Excited for: Finding other communities, other joys, other beautiful moments, beautiful people, beautiful experiences outside of Isla Vista. I am so excited to see what this world has in store, to continue discovering the amazement that exists. It was in Sweden. It was in Japan. It was in Davis. In Isla Vista. It’s been everywhere. And I cannot wait to continue finding it. Whatever it is. Life. Life worth living.

6/14

  • Waking up happy and NOT HUNGOVER :), FREE FROM ALL OBLIGATIONS OF SCHOOL WOW!!!
  • Writing thank you cards for Smaranda, Kimin, Dr. Major (even though I didn’t know her), and Dr. Kim, reflecting on the experiences I’ve had in the psych department and how I’ve changed, how important mentorship is 🙂
  • Biking to campus and delivering the cards/gifts, going to the bookstore and buying a shit ton of clothes ($145…) and seeing Casey :)… Going to the Co Op to get groceries and seeing Hannah Lian :), buying a Co Op apron ($40) hahahahaha
  • Going to Southeast to meet w/ Cloughesy, Jack stopping by to grab my credit card so he can get gas to drive and get his wallet he left at In N Out HAHA… HAVING A BEAUTIFUL DAY with Cloughesy, walking to his place and seeing Ashley & Tommy driving on the way, seeing Josh from meditation freshman year (and thinking fuck… I’d let him do anything to me), walking all the way to the Ellwood bluffs on Sands, talking about life, about mindfulness, psychology, theories, dreams, family, experiences… Eating our sandwiches on the cliff and still talking, looking at the ocean, then playing in the trees (the grandfather tree), walking back to I.V. still talking… I love this guy
  • Getting home & seeing Aaron, Drew, Nug, and Woo! All about to do shrooms lol
  • Going downtown to run errands and selling none of my clothes to Crossroads lol lawl
  • Getting dinner at Silvergreens with Jack and Bridget :), everyone back at home chilling, playing die at home w/ Jack, Bridget, & Jackie :)… Going to Woodstock’s for our last pint night! Seeing Katie, Sydney, Shauna, Carson, Kevin Willifert X0 (fme) at Stocks & Ashkon on the way home, running around the International Market w/ Bridget, Aaron, & Nug… Chilling at home w/ the trio and Nug laying on my bed like a starfish
  • Thoughts: There’s no time! I’m beyond grateful – no time to reflect to be honest, simply time to be with the people we won’t be with in the future. About to go to the loop…
  • Grateful for: EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
  • Excited for: Everything.

6/15

  • Packing and writing (“There’s no word for it, but let’s keep it going”)
  • PMH jars with Sean and Meg and Kat and Ty!!!
  • Nugs’ pregame for the writing minor LOL getting lit, jack, our photographer
  • Going home and convincing Sean & others to not float cause of holes and instead going to beach, hanging out w/ Aaron!
  • KAYAKING WITH AARON :), riding a wave into the beach, meeting up with the others on Sands
  • Chilling on the beach and jumping in the waves with Meghan, looking out at the mountains, the ocean, the waves the mist… BEING IN AWE, laying out in the sun with the house fam :)… Loving life. So. Much.
  • Going to lagoon and feeling weird, looking at all the chairs set up…
  • Going home and everyone getting ready for our last downtown, pregaming, laying on the mattresses in Kat/Meg’s room on the floor, everyone being tired but RALLYING, Kat making espresso shots for all of us
  • Pregaming!!! Going to Bill’s Bus, getting alcohol for the bus, everyone together in the back of the bus singing and drinking and smiling
  • Seeing a lot of peeps downtown & dancing like mad, dancing w/ Ashley, Gretchen, Sammie, seeing Casey, Paul, Connor, etc.
  • Lit AF !!!

6/16

  • Going to the Honors Graduation commencement hungover & wearing shorts lol, peeps cheering at my bio that didn’t describe real achievements, seeing a lot of others graduate 🙂 (Grace, Rohit, Angie, Mallory, Shauna, Danny X0), Nug coming to watch lol + Mom, Jeanne, Auntie Mary, Cindy… Seeing Maya + Maya’s mom! 🙂 Maya’s mom being as stoked as I am to see each other
  • Going to the Psych department grad, seeing Katie McDowell, Olivia’s friend from freshman year who recognized me in photos, & others… Our campus is so connected, Diane Mackie congratulating me afterwards (awesome! Didn’t even know her before)… Feeling tired but alive, dead but happy SO MUCH GOING ON!
  • Packing and listening to music w/ the boiz
  • Biking to the senior send off & seeing Andrew (Ben’s housemate), Collin, Hannah Why, & Jamie!… Picking up Ash on the way outside of Dubs 🙂
  • Senior send off lame af lol, laughing at how the drinks are so small and we only get two
  • Going to SHAUNA’S PLACE FOR DINNER AT THE FUNK ZONE!!!! So dope, seeing Sydney (Shauna’s cousin), Scott, Shauna’s fam, drinking beer and eating food and looking at the dope mountain back drop of Santa barbara
  • Funk zone!!!!!!!! Going to a tiki bar and seeing Jack & his family! :), JACK’S FAMILY I LOVE THEM
  • Going back to IV seeing Olivia at Ben French’s house !!! Walking home and looking at some party through a window, lights on, people dancing, music blasting… Getting sentimental
  • Going home and crying lol, how are we just supposed to leave everything…

6/17

  • IT’S THE BIG DAY OMG wow amazing wake up at 5AM
  • Nug waking everyone up for sunrise mimosas lol, literally just our house + Katie + Dom + Ashley + Sunna 🙂 drinking mimosas
  • Everyone in the house getting ready for 9AM graduation, pregaming, shotgunning, etc., Hannah coming over to meet up w/ Olivia and Jack, going to Jack’s to pregame more, sending off Jack & Olivia & Hannah to graduation, seeing people on the way and just around IV 🙂
  • Drinking more mimosas w/ Drew and getting breakfast burritos at Rosarito’s, spending time & listening to music
  • Going over to Ben’s house and spending time w/ him, talking about life & grad & all of our friends and feelings… So awesome to catch up with best friends you don’t normally see 🙂 Drinking champagne together & laughing at Andrew who was still sleeping on his mattress on the deck
  • Getting picked up by Shauna & Cindy to go to GRADUATION, going to Sam’s to Go to drink before w/ Mallory and Gabby and pirate Andrew, stopping by Silvergreen’s to see my family & then buying 9 mini bottles of vodka & rum for everyone at S.O.S. liquor, getting a pitcher back at Sam’s and downing it, walking towards the Thunderdome, seeing so many peeps 🙂 Hunter, Duncan, etc. … Getting my cap & gown from Olive cause we shared (who wants to pay for that nah) hahaha, standing in line with SO MANY FRIENDS, Ben & Maya & Kai & others joining us in line – EVEN MORE FRIENDS! Drinking sitting down in the Thunderdome happy AF
  • Finally walking into the stadium!!! WOW WOW WOW it’s happening hahaha everyone jokingly freaking out and not knowing what’s going on, seeing Ben’s mom & taking a quick picture w/ Ben, seeing other people watching the grad
  • Sitting down for the ceremony with ALL OF OUR FRIENDS – drinking and drinking and loving life, sharing beer w/ Kai, shots with Maya & Shauna, sitting through a long graduation w/ speakers that were way to engineering oriented except for the girl from China who gave a DOPE, CUTE, AND MOVING speech… Friend who also studied abroad in Sweden (Ben’s friend) sitting behind me, friends literally everywhere, seeing Dom & Julie & Sarah & Jess up towards the front and screaming, seeing peeps graduate
  • US GRADUATING hahaha walking on stage for like 3 seconds and not really understanding what’s going on, “keep going keep going stand here stand here” lawl, seeing other friends about to graduate after getting off the stage (Duncan, etc.) and Ashley and everyone I love everyone
  • And then it’s over… What? Haha. Finding my family immediately, taking pictures, seeing Mals & Gabby again, taking pictures, seeing Megan Nagasaki’s mom, taking pictures, seeing other people other friends other wonderful human beings
  • Grabbing drinks at Dublin’s w/ the fam 🙂 so nice to be able to share this with them, this place that has given me everything, Dad buying everyone drinks!!! Seeing Carson at Dub’s… Telling Aaron about Freebirds, Dubs, everything about I.V. and how I’ll miss it
  • Going downtown to Topa Topa & Lama Dog and getting drinks w/ the fam :), talking to Aaron about how laidback and easy and joyous SB and Isla Vista are, but how I am excited and want to move elsewhere (but don’t… Ahhhhhhhh
  • Going to the Boathouse for dinner!!! Wine and champagne corked 🙂 appetizers + seafood pasta, beer, sharing dinner with the fam + Jeanne and Manny (family friends), Dad and Mom happy, talking to Mom about my support for them moving out of Davis once they’re retired, to somewhere with more, somewhere new, somewhere alive… I’m so grateful for my family
  • The fam driving me back to I.V., running into my house with everyone already drinking and partying! Texting all of my friends to come over ASAP, PARTYING THE NIGHT AWAY!!! Having so much fun dancing, champagne and beer bongs (chambong) w/ the house (Nug, Bridget, Aaron, Aaron’s sis, Kat, Sean, etc. etc. Woo etc. there are just so many amazing people) and JACK, OLIVIA, JACKIE, SUNNA :)… Sven & Bjorn coming w/ Olive and giving Bjorn drinks and food and everything… Surprising Bridget for her bday with an ice and champagne and everyone singing… Everyone taking ridalin w/ me to stay up all night lawl, going to Ben French’s house for a party and seeing Ben & Deena, everyone going home
  • Going over to Maya’s and seeing some peeps (Miranda!) & then going home, laying down, but then deciding FUCK NO it’s the last night and getting back up, deciding to go to the Sands party, running into Kai and walking with them to Sands (2AM), telling Sunna to come meet me
  • SANDS PARTY! Everyone is graduated! UCSB! Isla Vista! Everyone is so happy and friendly, saying hello to strangers and dancing with strangers on the FUCKING BEACH with the moon bright and lighting up the entire ocean, a DJ bouncing beats at the graffiti square… Everyone everyone everyone just dancing and drinking and living and loving, the cops rolling through and people saying “come on! We graduated” and them responding “Where was our invite?”, everyone walking home happy and fulfilled… Content… Saying bye to Kai & Sunna, walking home, falling asleep in my bed at 4AM with my voice completely lost (and my mind… At how incredible everything freaking is)
  • Thoughts: I can’t understand how this place is this perfect, it’s hard to believe that this is all real, all true, all LIFE for us and it has been for the past four years. I am beyond grateful and simply joyous at the fact that we have been able to live here, experience these incredible moments, and defy boring, defy conventional, defy stress, defy ignorance, defy routine in this ocean paradise. I will never forget our lose what Isla Vista has given me, ever. I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever let myself lose this. This real type of living and compassionate type of connection, knowing people, offering friendship, opening ourselves up to everyone and everything.
  • Grateful for: Every second of these past four years.
  • Excited for: Every second of the next 80 (90?) years.

6/18

  • Waking up in a blur, tired AF, my voice completely lost, saying good morning to Aaron & his sister and them laughing at how I sound like a chainsmoker
  • Coffee + McDonald’s brought by the parents for our whole house! 🙂 Getting ready to move everything out into Mom & Dad’s car… Everyone moving their rooms out into their parents’ cars except for what fits in their own cars, packing EVERYTHING into the family van, saying bye to the fam for the last time from I.V.
  • Going to Sean’s grad party at their Airbnb in Santa Barbara, riding w/ Aaron, Bridget, and Sarah, playing beats 🙂
  • LILY’S TACOS and beer and sangria and so many snacks and cakes at the Grad party, hanging out w/ the families and with the house 🙂
  • Going home to take apart my bed frame before the next morning, walking to the Amazon store to return the replacement camera I ordered and used up until graduation (where the F is my warranty repair SONY HELLO? Jk it all works out), seeing people, walking in I.V…. Seeing Rachel and saying a somber hello (and goodbye), realizing that Isla Vista would be nothing without the people
  • Walking to Dogshit to say bye to Rebecca (returning to SWEDEN!) and talking about I.V., leaving for her, and leaving for me… How weird it is to imagine new people in our lives who we haven’t even met yet – how it SUCKS, it sucks, even thought it won’t suck when it happens, when the changes occur and settle, but how it just sucks right now, it’s a shitty thing, because we don’t want new friends or to be closer to new people in the different ways we have been
  • Seeing Shauna is a fake homie at Dogshit w/ Max, saying hello and bye and being sad hahaha, saying goodbye to Rebecca and walking home
  • More packing up, Ashley coming over and sharing champagne w/ me, talking about how sad and weird it is to leave, how the goodbyes are really vague and missing for a lot of people (barely see anyone before they leave, they just leave, and even when you say bye there is really no way to say bye or express or communicate how much you’ll miss them, or how weird it is that your relationship is changing)
  • Looking how “how to get over graduation” with Ashley lol, looking at “the 57 things you’ll miss in the 57 weeks after graduation”, laughing, following a Wikihow to get over graduation
  • Walking to Ashley’s friends houses & drinking beers, walking to Dub’s and stopping at my house for a shot on the way (“Should we take a sho-“ “Yup”), laughing, Ashley giving me a ride on her skateboard, freaking out about how beautiful of a green some car is EVEN THOUGH IT’S WHITE, us asking a group of people what color the car is (white) and everyone laughing :), seeing Nug & the whole house at Dubs + Jack + Jackie, AND one of the guy who we asked about the color of the car, the guy coming up to Ashley and asking “it’s like a forest green, what color is it?” and everyone laughing, going to Woodstock’s to get cinnabread w/ Ashley and seeing the CAR GUY again, saying hello and the dude being so stoked “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE HERE TOO! No way!” — this is Isla Vista, that is Isla Vista, meeting people and exhibiting joy and building off of good vibes only… Seeing some random girl on the way to the LAX house and her congratulating us on graduating, saying “Let yourself be surprised by life”… Going to the LAX house and sitting around a bonfire w/ Aaron, Bridget, Woo, Ashley, Drew, Meg, Sean, Nug, Sarah, & Kat :), falling asleep laying down by the fire…
  • Getting a ride home w/ Aaron and the rest of the house, setting up mattresses w/ Sarah in Nug’s room (sleepover! hahaha), eating food because it all has to be gone by the morning
  • Thoughts: Isla Vista is amazing because of the people. It’s the people. People are everywhere. It’s just the constant and special and close opportunities you get to know people, love people, spend time with them and see them at their best, their worst, their most ridiculous, their not-so-serious. I guess the big thing is to cultivate these opportunities of connection everywhere we go now, to make life how Isla Vista taught us – how these people taught us.
  • Grateful for: Every single person I have met here in Isla Vista, abroad, in Davis, in life… I am just so grateful for everything. For life.
  • Excited for: I am stoked to see where everyone goes, the amazing and incredible things all of my OUTSTANDING friends will do. I am stoked to see everyone in the future, to call them or Skype them, to maintain these incredible and irreplaceable relationships. I am thrilled to meet more people in the future, in new places, and give them all of my love, open up my heart completely, and offer them as much joy, companionship, learning, and genuine enthusiasm as this life as taught and given me (it’s a lot). I am just excited for life. And happy for it. And grateful for it. For all of it.

6/19

  • Moving out with the whole house, cleaning a bunch, shotgunning with the house fam for one last time on our deck…
  • Saying bye to everyone at Southcoast Deli, oddly casual – when will I see these people again?? Seeing Dom from Sweden & Jack at Starbucks and saying bye to Jack, who seemed sentimental and concerned about when we’d see each other (but of course we will)
  • Going to campus w/ Nug, driving around the Campbell hall circle for days lol, studying at Bren Hall outdoors with a view of the ocean 🙂
  • Going to Ashley’s and making a lot of leftover food that we had to get rid of 🙂 eating in middle of an empty house on a sleeping bag with beer/champagne, playing music & laughing a lot, talking… Nug joining … Napping zzz and snoozing zzz and feeling dead when waking up (so sleep deprived)
  • Sake Bombs w/ Nug, Ashley, Woo, CDP, etc.
  • Laying down & watching Spongebob w/ Ash, exhausted
  • Going over to Jackie’s, getting a ticket on the way there for having an open container after not putting my headlights on & realizing how much I’ve changed since Freshman year
  • Hanging out at Jackie’s, eating magic bars, chilling w/ Ben & Deena, saying bye to Jackie’s house + Ben… Laying on the floor w/ Jackie talking about how Isla Vista is all about the people, how weird it is to leave it, etc. etc. … Saying bye to Jackie & walking home to Ashley’s place
  • Seeing Bridget at Ashley’s on her blow up mattress (she had no place to stay after moving out), laughing & talking w/ Bridget… Going to bed/sleeping on the hard floor b/c I didn’t want my cough to keep waking Ashley up hahaha
  • Thoughts: I have grown so much since Freshman year at UCSB… If I had gotten a ticket I would have been so stressed, upset, felt so much guilt. But I don’t, and it was totally my fault. I shouldn’t have brought the champagne for my friends to drink – I shouldn’t have driven probably in the first place (though I doubt I was over the limit, they didn’t breathalyze me). But I realize that anxiety and stress are optional for the most part – and they only add a negative experience to what already sucks financially or situationally. It’s all up to you. You can let it ruin the experiences that follow thereafter, or go on unphased. I chose to go on unphased because that’s become natural in my personality, and there’s nothing more important than spending the last moments I have with the people I met in college – with Jackie, Ben, Deena. With all of them. I knew I grew, but I’m just really starting to realize how much.
  • Grateful for: Everything the past experiences in my life have taught me. Composure. Contentment. Mindfulness. Being able to live by what truly matters and recognize fluctuations in feelings, fleeting states of being.
  • Excited for: Whatever growth might come in the future.

6/20

  • Being woken up by Bridget (after telling her to the night before), dead… Talking & then saying bye D:
  • Going back to bed on Ashley’s mattress, in a haze of complete exhaustion, slumber, and awake dreaming while her and her mom move her out (haha!)
  • Meeting Ashley’s mom, talking, saying bye D:
  • Going to Connor’s to grab my cap & gown that Paul borrowed, saying bye to Connor, going back to Ashley’s to leave I.V. / UCSB with Nug
  • Grabbing coffee & quesadilla w/ Nug at Beachside Bar & Cafe :), hanging out and eating and getting caffeinated for the ride home… Talking on the beach about this new chapter of our lives, how we got everything we could have asked for out of I.V. / UCSB (it was our time, we can’t stay and would not actually want to), how your experience is WHAT YOU MAKE IT and how some people just don’t make it that great, talking about our growth in high school/college each year… Talking to Nug about her dreams (science communication, making a TV show humanizing the sciences), and how you just have to jump into it, try things, the fig tree poem (each fig is a life, and if you wait too long they all die), my mom’s quote about puzzle pieces (don’t get immobilized, pick one up and try it)
  • Driving home :/ … Stopping in King City for Starbucks & KFC w/ Nug … Stopping at Ah-mah’s and going to sushi w/ Nug, Nug laughing at all of my old photos 🙂
  • Driving home, getting home, realizing how much I’ve changed … How much I’ve grown … How weird it feels to be in the place I lived in as a kid, grew up in physically, but not necessarily psychologically
  • Thoughts: It’s really weird to be back. So weird. The kind of weird I can’t really explain. Because everything here is the same. Literally. The same. But I’m just not, at all. I feel extremely confident in who I am, no anxiety, no stress, no failure to old habits. No bickering with parents. Which is great, but this place is just not me. AT ALL. I never want to live in a place like this – I cherish the childhood I had here. But as a 22 year old, Davis? There’s no life. There’s nothing here. It’s not at all what I envision for my life. I came inside kind of beaten down, spirit wise, just thinking of how I won’t be going back to Isla Vista or UCSB in the same way ever again. It’s no longer a current home… My mom greeted me with a kiss and it felt smothering, and I immediately told her that I planned to leave in just under two weeks – how I didn’t think I could stay long here, etc. etc. how I think we should donate a lot of stuff. I was calm and considerate but I shouldn’t have greeted my family in that way. I’m happy to be with them, it’s just a tough transition. I just want growth, stimulation, new things, things that challenge me, surprise me. None of that is really here.
  • Grateful for: My family, the fact that I have a home. I thought about this on the drive and it’s true. I’m extraordinarily lucky to have a safe, secure, and giving home to go back to at any time. In a safe, secure place – not everyone has that, and a lot of people take it for granted. I shouldn’t. I have a loving family and a loving home. But I also want to recognize that I have the privilege of going elsewhere, of making a different place home like I did in I.V., Sweden, and Asia. The thing about privilege is that you should not take it for granted – you shouldn’t be spoiled or upset with your situation, but also, you shouldn’t ignore it. Ignoring it is taking it for granted as much is being upset about what you already have. I’m grateful for everything, but I want to utilize my privilege because not everyone has it. I want to go new places and do great things to help other people who don’t have it. To give back to the people who gave me it in the first place (my parents).
  • Excited for: Doing what I can in the time I have here at home. I’m not giving myself much, but I want to utilize it well – spend time with family, do things for them, do things for myself (work and work well), see old friends.

6/21

  • Woke up to the Davis sunshine, immediately began unpacking
  • Spent the entire day unpacking, re-organizing, gathering things to donate
  • Tried to do yoga outside in the 105 degree weather but kept getting bit by bugs and a huge spider showed lol so I went inside
  • Showered while dancing like a mad man 🙂
  • Briefly saw family before they all retreated to their rooms/TV’s… Dad booked Maui tickets
  • Worked on Typedideas.com, preparing a full portfolio for a creative agency that will hopefully hire me…
  • Thoughts: I don’t want a big house. I don’t want things. I don’t want property. I don’t want much. All I want are people, people around me who engage with life and love and feeling. People who talk about life, who greet you with genuine joy. I love my family, but we don’t interact as much as I plan on cultivating my family to. We don’t talk. We barely even spend time together. I don’t, I DON’T want to watch TV. I don’t want to play video games. I don’t want to sit at the computer. Why would you spend your life like that? When there are people in this world waiting to share a conversation. Things in this life waiting to surprise you… All that said, I realized how lucky I am to be able to have these thoughts, to recognize what I want and to work towards it, to donate all of my stuff, to have a home to keep the things I want to keep in, to have a full fridge and a roof over my head while I work on my own to eventually work someplace real. I miss my friends. I miss Isla Vista. But change is a process I guess. I spent the entire day alone, actually, but it didn’t feel bad. I did work, I kept busy, I did the things I needed to do. I guess this isn’t living though, huh? You could do that your whole life and be “okay”. But what is life is it’s just okay. Life is GREAT, WONDERFUL. “Okay”? That’s not living.
  • Grateful for: My family… The things they have given me that undoubtedly make my life easy, that undoubtedly give me so much privilege to experience so much joy, to understand things that I might not have gotten the chance to otherwise. To know what I want based off of them. To know that I love them and they love me, even if we are really, really, really different.
  • Excited for: Seeing my friends. I spent the whole day today sorting things out since I just got here yesterday, but I plan on seeing Ian and others tomorrow. And then Jack and others this weekend in the bay area, and then more friends and more. I just have to stay on top of my work, but I will. I guess it’s more important to make sure you stay on top of living, of seeing the people you care about, of doing what matters, of doing the things that constitute a REAL life, not just an okay one. Also, I’m really excited to put everything together that I’ve wanted to this past year. To apply to a creative agency. Even if nothing turns out, and I end up working in a coffee shop god knows where (Ireland?), I’ll be so proud of what I put together. It feels SO good to be creative, to create things, to think of things and make them.

6/22

  • Woke up, got ready for the day, drove with Dad to the UC Davis campus :), went to grab coffee + a probiotic drink
  • Did work in Dad’s office (working on my portfolio and copywriting samples)
  • Walked to Mom’s office to get a ride home, ate an early dinner
  • Exercised in my room
  • Worked on design projects (Spotify albums), portfolio, and contemplated my plans for the future… I don’t know what I want! I don’t know… But also I do?
  • Went downtown to Sophia’s Thai bar (actually lit) with Raquel to meet up with Ian and Nick :), talking and catching up, walking around Davis, talking w/ Raquel on the drives there and home (about the transition, different college experiences, how it feels to be back in Davis, etc.) 🙂
  • Thoughts: It’s so different here. I’m such a different person than I was in high school, or even two years ago OR even a few months ago when I would visit here from college. It just doesn’t feel like a home anymore, there’s no one really here, it’s dead, it’s not a city, it’s not much. I’m SO FORTUNATE to have grown up here – I had the best high school experience. And then the best college experience. I just want to jump into something new, and have a different experience that challenges who I am like the past 22 years have. Experiences that stimulate you and lift you up and break you down and make you feel what life is, make you remember how hard things can be but ultimately how rewarding things can be. I don’t want easy, I don’t want simple, I don’t want boring. I don’t want comfortable. I want to live. Abroad? A big city? Working at a creative agency? Doing my own projects? I don’t know exactly what situation I want, I just know what I want. I want to live and be active and give and create and do things and make things and ultimately discover everything there is to discover in this life. I’ve been working on my creative portfolio to apply to jobs, all of these solo projects to have a foundation to present to agencies — maybe it’ll turn into my own thing? Who knows. Maybe I’ll work abroad again if I don’t find a gig here. Maybe I will find a gig. Whatever I do, WHATEVER I DO, I can’t let myself give up on the three things I care about most: living actively and courageously, pursuing my dreams, and loving and learning about a multitude of people.
  • Grateful for: My family and the friends I have all around the world. Snapchat created their map feature and published it today, allowing you to see where your friends are all around the world. And WOW. They’re everywhere. I am so blessed to know so. many. people. who I would genuinely love to see if I came across them. I’m so grateful to have grown up in Davis, it’s just not what I want right now. Not what I need.
  • Excited for: The next step, whatever that is. Whatever these simple & stagnant days can give me in terms of sober creation, being able to work and work and work without distraction. Hitting the road soon with Shauna, and whatever else / wherever else I go.

6/23

  • Woke up & did work, worked on Hhhumans (social media and website) and videos
  • Made dinner w/ Aaron for Dad for a late Father’s day
  • Picked up Raquel & went to the bars with Ian, Kian, Nick, & Maia
  • Went home and made a platter of ice cream to eat while feeling down about post-grad hahaha
  • Thoughts: I was pretty pessimistic today for the first time (in my life maybe? No, but it rarely happens). Davis just kind of sucks, but I know it doesn’t really suck. It’s just not what I want at all – I’ve been here for 3 days and need to leave already, which is why I’m going to SF and Stinson tomorrow. We did not have any fun at the bars, which is weird, because usually I just dance around regardless and have a great time. But I just wanted my friends – my college friends. I LOVE my friends from high school, but it was also the environment. I just looked around and thought “wow this sucks” and judged people which I NEVER do. Everyone has their place and no one, no one should be judged, especially people you don’t know. It was easy to bring me back to focus though. I even talked to Raquel/Kian about how much it sucks, how no one talks about how going home after grad sucks. But Raquel said I was being pessimistic which is true. It’s all about perspective – it’s literally been 3 days haha, it’s temporary, and it’s all up to us to find joy or find frustration in our surroundings… But, also, it’s up to us to find something else if we don’t think our heart is where we are.
  • Grateful for: Friends like Raquel who actually speak what they’re thinking – I was being pessimistic and I was not being myself. I’m also grateful for my home, my family, my friends from high school. The fact that the things that bother me are my parents’ lack of activity after work, or my family being stuck in idleness, or the terrible bars at Davis. This is not adversity at all. At. All. To spend time complaining about trivial things that are actually a privilege, while others suffer or are fighting for those without a voice, is ridiculous. I need to get back into my life.
  • Excited for: Whatever life is.

6/24

  • Took the Amtrak & SF bus with Mom to San Francisco, talking about post-graduation and my feelings and missing my friends, what I want to do in life and how to get there 🙂
  • Grabbed lunch w/ Mom, Auntie Sharon, & Marissa
  • Running around trying to find Shauna, finally meeting up after referencing a million Starbucks in the city… Walking to find a bathroom and coffee, and then getting lost on our way back to the car hahaha
  • Driving to Dolores Park for Pride & spending 30 minutes trying to find parking… Going to Pride and seeing Miranda & the Pirate boys, WOW Pride is amazing!!! Just tons of people in one park drinking, smiling, loving, dancing altogether (lots of people plastered) + a clear view of the entire city skyline
  • Driving around SF and going to some sketch smelling hamburger + sushi place, and then leaving to go to a different place but grabbing veggie chips on the way
  • Grabbing dinner at a hip-food, experimental Japanese restaurant in a really cool area by L’Ptit Cafe, being stopped by a UCSB alum seeing my sweater and helping them out with a bottle opener :), going to a little market shop before leaving 🙂
  • Driving to Stinson and talking about life, Shauna’s dudes, life in general, my family & Aaron & how I need to push him, the world & Trump & global warming – there are so many problems and issues and I want to be an active part in solving them, Shauna telling me “Highway 1 goes to Oregon” and me saying “Let’s send it!”
  • Spending the night at Stinson and watching TV (Stranger Things), hanging out with Jack (Shauna’s dog, not my best friend but definitely a man’s best friend), planning a 4th of July party (cancelled and then planned again), and a spontaneous road trip to Portland/Seattle the next few days (up highway 1)
  • Thoughts: Pride is amazing. San Francisco is amazing. I feel like myself again, I NEED STIMULATION. I need people. I need sights, experiences, activities, moments spent outside of a house. It was only 3 days in Davis and I felt like I was wasting time, which is dramatic, but sourced from a real concern. A feeling of idleness and stagnancy and the recognition that that is not at all what I want in life.
  • Grateful for: My mom, no matter how different we are. I love her so much and am SO grateful for her, and I know I’m not perfect and she finds faults in me and annoyances in certain moments too. But I’m so so so grateful for her and my dad and my family. And my friends – my best friend Shauna. Having people in my life who are as equally as stoked as I am. Knowing so many friends and friends of friends (Pirate dudes who are pretty dope and stoked to see peeps). All of my best friends in my life who give me joy just talking to them over the phone or reaching out to them in instances where I’ll be nearby (Olivia, Ben Crook, etc.).
  • Excited for: LIVING. Again. After some down time. And deciding to specialize in video/writing in order to work at a company or creative agency to eventually become a creative director or an editor of a organization/publication/agency. Idk, everything.

6/25

  • Waking up in Shauna’s Stinson condo, SLEEPING IN finally and feeling better than usual with my cough, playing with Jack
  • Writing in bed and then eating some brekkie, walking to the Stinson coffee shop in the cool fog to do work w/ Shauna, sitting by the fireplace & drinking coffee 🙂
  • Going back to the condo & eating lunch
  • Biking to Bolinas from Stinson, SO BEAUTIFUL and feels so good to bike, exploring Bolinas, the honor system produce stand & honor system bookstore (getting “Chasing Chaos” and “_______”)
  • Showering and then going to Norm’s to see people, seeing the INCREDIBLE RENOVATIONS to Norm’s beach house, a full bar and a ceramics room and a sauna!!! Meeting Norm’s old friends from childhood (one of them living in Maui and offering to meet up in August when I go with my family!)… Eating amazing food and talking w/ Sydney’s sister Georgina about college (she’s a senior in HS)
  • Walking to the beach w/ Shauna & Georgina
  • Eating dinner (AMAZING SALMON + Chow Fun) at the condo cooked by Norm & Scott, watching Dr. Strange on the couch w/ everyone 🙂
  • Going to bed & Jack plopping on top of me & Shauna 🙂
  • Thoughts: The beach is amazing. I want money so I can give back to my family and share spaces like this place with the people I love.
  • Grateful for: Shauna & Stinson.
  • Excited for: Life.

6/26

  • Going on a morning run on the beach w/ Shauna, half-dead
  • Eating breakfast at Norm’s w/ all three Scotts (best friends in college), awesome food
  • Starting the drive to the Pacific Northwest!!! Stopping at gas stations, driving, going places 🙂
  • BEAUTIFUL REDWOODS :), stopping at Redwoods National Parking 3 different times with AMAZING VIEWS of the coast & redwood forests, eating our free food from Scott & Norm, walking into the forests for a brief moment, running around and smiling, this place is amazing
  • Watching the sunset at Crescent beach before going to our AirBnB
  • Making plans to have dinner w/ Nancy Fukui in Seattle, Grandma Mayo’s old friend related by her husband (Masayuki’s cousin) :), good & close people are everywhere!
  • Spending the night in a jank ass, kind of scary AirBnB with glow up stars on the ceiling hahahahaha, sleeping with the lights on w/ Shauna hahahahaha

6/27

  • 5:00AM wake up call, starting the drive to Portland & Seattle
  • CROSSING THE BORDER INTO OREGON! Getting shitty gas station coffee, driving, driving, driving in the rustic Oregon landscapes (trees everywhere, fog, beautiful greens), seeing the sun rise… 🙂
  • Driving while Shau sleeps, thinking about what I want to do in life, thoughts, driving, dreams
  • PORTLAND! A pretty spread out city, extremely green, stopping for breakfast/lunch at a Scandinavian bakery and restaurant, writing Shauna’s number on her receipt and “I’m gonna break up w/ my bf soon :)” HAHAHA, cancelling the 4th of July party again b/c Davis sucks and we’d rather spend it in SF at Adam’s place
  • Laughing & driving & laughing & driving to Seattle – SEATTLE IS AMAZING, loving it the first minute we’re there (as every city we visit hahaha)
  • Walking around the Public Market, AMAZING FOOD EVERYWHERE – fresh produce, baked goods, people smiling, coffee, hip hot fellas, the bay RIGHT THERE!… I want to live here… Sharing a giant cookie w/ Shauna, walking around and finding the CEREAL magazine, simplistic design for a publication that I hope to recreate
  • Having dinner with Penny, Frank, Colleen & her son – SO MUCH JAPANESE FOOD, amazing food, table next to us talking about something with us, server talking to us, meeting the restaurant’s owner
  • Learning about Seattle culture & history, THERE’S AN UNDERGROUND CITY from the fire way back, a hotel with luggage from the J.A. internment… Penny knows everyone
  • Visiting the house that Grandma Mimi lived in with her 5 sisters and 3 brothers :)… Family roots… Getting amazing views of the city & sunset
  • Going out to Optimism Brewing w/ Shauna, grabbing dark chocolate peanut m&m’s, cranky fits but above all I love Shau
  • Sleeping in the smelly AirBnB that reeks of old people HAHA
  • Thoughts: I want to do this forever. Explore and learn and be amazed. Work to live not live to work…
  • Grateful for: Our youth – being able to drive hundreds of thousands of miles and not feel burnt out.
  • Excited for: Hmm… Well, everything. Maybe living in Seattle. Maybe living in New York. Maybe moving abroad. I don’t know anymore but I’m excited.

6/28

  • Grabbing coffee in the AM, driving to Portland
  • Meeting Mable’s parents who are SO DOPE (Scott’s best friend is Mable’s dad, never actually met Mable though), dope house w/ a dope basement + bar they used to use and a big yard… They know all of the neighbors and can walk everywhere, had a wedding in the nearby forest park, etc. etc. they’re just so dope
  • Walking to food trucks & getting a vegan lunch w/ Shau and Mable’s parents – talking about the TV industry and how crazy they are in real life (partying, etc.), grabbing Starbucks and stealing all the Stevia packets HAHA, going to breweries :), making a plan for a cafe/bar/club with Shauna HAHA, walking around Portland, going thrift shopping drunk, grabbing dinner & continuing to walk through Portland, wow this is actually a city, walking across the bridge
  • Talking to Olive on the phone about her job & friends & life, ubering back to Mable’s house w/ an old driver who started driving trucks and ubering to meet people and stay busy (is that what life is? Staying busy…?)
  • Talking w/ Mable’s parents – SO DOPE, they are still cool and do things, they are happy, “I napped so i could stay up with him”, them listening to music and drinking beers
  • Going to bed w/ Shau and scrolling through social media together because Netflix wasn’t working hahahahahaha
  • Thoughts: I want to grow up and just live, like Mable’s parents. But, I want New York. I want life. I just want life… There’s so much of it everywhere!
  • Grateful for: Being able to meet so many incredible people who teach me things in the subtle moments of a day.
  • Excited for: Exploring more cities.

6/29

  • Grabbing snacks and breakfast from the market in Portland w/ the money Mable’s parents gave us
  • Driving home w/ Shau, playing “this or that” game, driving and driving and driving
  • Getting to Davis & having dinner at home with Aaron + Mom 🙂

6/30

  • Waking up & doing everything – errands, running around Davis, photo management, etc., feeling productive and happy(?)… Seeing Dale in Davis, walking around doing errands… Having dinner with Mom & Aaron
  • Realizing that I want to get good at photography, at videography, at social media, and that these are skills I CAN learn
  • TIKI PARTY at Shauna’s 🙂 seeing everyone, adam ian nick dan abe grace hannah laurel laurel’s cousin raquel maia kian … Making drinks, laughing, talking, catching up with people, making plans to visit Laurel in Colorado, talking with Hannah about our NY city dreams and plans to break into the creative industry
  • Drunk facetiming bridget & aaron w/ ian, falling on my knee lol
  • Sleeping w/ nick and grace in bed
  • Thoughts: WOW. We got so lucky in high school. WOW. It feels so good to do things with friends, that’s youth. To talk about plans and dreams and hang out. It was also really good to talk with Mom about how she thought I was projecting myself onto her & Dad (wanting them to move somewhere for retirement, experience new things). It’s true, I think a young perspective is important because people forget. People forget what it’s like to be young and experience things new, and that’s what keeps you living longest in my opinion. But at the same time, they are their own people and they know what they want. I’m just trying to help them.
  • Grateful for: The friends I have, wow! I know so many incredible people from high school, college, abroad… SPONTANEOUS TRIPS TO THE PNW. How are there so many good people in this world and how do I know so many of them?
  • Excited for: Making friends my entire life and connecting as many people as I can.
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Moments made of people and places, brilliant and ordinary. ↹ Planet Earth, Milky Way

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