How to Become Rich, Beautiful, & Successful

Eat too many cookies? Still don’t have a million dollars? Feel like your drowning in blubber? Want to become healthier?

The trick is to make a plan!

Every 3 months, evaluate how far you’ve come (it’s probably not far at all, maybe even a little regression took place) and then make a BRAND NEW game plan to get that six pack, make those six figures, and finally be happy with yourself.

Then, after the next 3 months, do the same thing.

Repeat these steps over and over again.

Once the new year starts, make another new plan but THIS time with something totally radical that will ensure your success. Be sure not to make it too extensive with all of the tricks in the book, because you will need some material to make your brand new plan for the next new year.

Eventually, when you are 35 and still don’t have that Instagram modeling career that your would-be beach body guarantees, make another BRAND NEW PLAN. This time it will be different. Trust yourself. And then reward yourself with a bar of dark chocolate (healthy so it doesn’t matter if you eat an entire grocery store’s supply) and 8-9 beers (made from wheat and wheat is a grain which means there used to be fiber in it at one point), because you are HEADED for success!

Ten years go by, revisions to your master game plan are at an all time high. You will eat kale for breakfast, run your 8 mile commute to work through L.A. traffic, bike 5 miles to the gym after your 8-5 job, and then workout at the gym for 2 hours with no rest. Every day of the week – no exceptions! You can do it!

Some more years go by.

You are 50 now, and wow, your body looks like a hurricane fucked it up. Not ripped or anything, no, the opposite. Like a hurricane swept through McDonald’s, Krispy Kreme, and Florida, and mashed together all the fast food, sugar, and overweight people into one mess of a mass. That’s you.

You think, “Wow, I looked so much better back then. I just want to be as healthy as I was when I was younger. I looked SO good and I didn’t even realize it.”

But, well, you can’t. Turns out the reverse-age drug hasn’t gone public yet. Sure, your CEO Bob has a bottle but everyone knows he O.D.’s on that stuff every night. He looks younger than your nephew.

Or maybe Bob is younger than your nephew… He did start the company, and it is a silicon valley company.

23 years old and he owns where you work? Shit.

Shit. What happened to the 6-figure plan? It’s buried somewhere on your desktop, go find it. Scroll through it. Well, it’s too late now. Eat a 4th dinner to make yourself feel better.

Spent all that time wanting more money when you had enough to enjoy yourself in the first place. Hmm.

Or, instead of following the above steps, you can skip the hell cycle of self-detrimation and comparisons to fake, altered, non-genuine lives displayed by media. Yeah, Taylor Swift shits too. And I heard they’re pretty fucking gnarly. Oh, and Zac Efron has definitely binged on brownies more than once in his life.

You can realize that everyone in this world beats themselves up MUCH more than anyone else would. You can realize that insecurities our founded by your thoughts, not your reality.

You can realize that you aren’t perfect, and you never will be. This can free you of the immense and overwhelming expectations you have for yourself, that you think society has for you. And then you can actually progress towards the you you want to be, even if you never make it. You can get close, and ultimately be happy with the you you are.

Stop making game plans for becoming someone unachievable. 2013. 2014. 2015. 2016. 2017. The years will go by, misery experienced that could have been avoided, and progression lost in the face of your own mouth, screaming at you, beating you up, and telling you not to just get back up, but to fly. To shoot fucking lasers out of your hands.

Realize that everything you want to be and do is you. You are that. Everything you need to do to be that you have. You have it. YOU HAVE IT. You can only be as amazing as you see yourself. So see yourself amazing.

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