A Bit Confused

I think I’m a bit confused.

As to… How this all works. As to how we are supposed to continually shape ourselves into the forms that fit through the rings, mazes, and courses that we are expected to navigate through each and every stage of life.

I’m a bit confused as to how we were shoveled into universities at 18 years of age.

To be left scattered across with little to no intent, 4 years later.

I’m a bit confused as to how you get a job you like.

How your resume and cover letter generates “oohs” and “ahs” instead of the snooze button from the hiring manager.

I’m a bit confused.

As to… How my friends don’t have jobs, how I don’t have a job. How after 4 years of education, a Dean’s award given to two seniors of our graduating class, countless internships, jobs, experiences abroad and at home… How I, now, don’t know what I’m doing.

As to how we are all expected to have a plan, or if the occasional saint with a broader perspective passes us by and doesn’t expect us to have a plan – how we are supposed to be confident in having no plan.

We sit here, aware and suffocated by our privilege to education, to options, to dreams. We are aware that we are lucky, fortunate, beyond capable of complaining yet still doing so. Because it sucks.

It sucks.

I know – we are lucky. I know that moving home is nothing to complain about. I know that being able to HAVE a home is something we should all be grateful for each and every day – I am, each and every day.

But on the occasional days, such as this one, things boil in my brain. They tell me “you are worthless” even though I know I am not.

Is it the 100 jobs I’ve applied to (I’m not exaggerating, which is the sad thing), the 90 rejections, the graduation deadline that is creeping up, the looming change of leaving our best friends and the security of college?

Is it the doubt that my dreams are not the dreams I’ll have in 10 years? The doubt that I will never have a plan… That I will never be as grounded as the person I want myself to be?

Insecurity is not something I usually face in my day to day life.

Not to say that I’m awesome, or that I think so. I just don’t think there’s any reason to think that you, yourself, sucks.

But here I am.

It’s the not having something, anything, to build a picture of your future around. I reach out, drowning, falling in open air, searching for something to help ground me. Because without anything, you can’t start building. You can’t see the person you thought you saw your entire life. Your dreams, aspirations, situations, goals, values, identities – they float in an abyss of options that aren’t totally yours.

Without a solid foundation, everything seems as if it is not totally yours. It is all dependent upon the employer, the graduate school, fate.

You feel out of control, spinning, confused, in the time where you should be enjoying every last minute of every last day of this era: college.

But also, I’m confused.

As to how life can be this beautiful, this trust-building, smile-deserving, yet rise feelings of doubt, insecurity, confusion, and abandonment on those who, in all honesty, have no credible foundation for any of those feelings.

We have homes – we have families – we have opportunities, things other people search for their entire lives. Other people feel doubt, insecurity, confusion, and abandonment from real, legitimate, harrowing experiences.

We are not drowning, lost, or abandoned – we just feel like that.

I guess, then, what we need to do is focus on reality – we are okay, we will be okay. Others aren’t, and others wonder if they will be. Exiled from home, caught in divisional turmoil, kept from legitimate opportunity or education.

It is these people who I want to work for, these people who I want to help move in a positive, forward direction.

I don’t have a plan. On the conventional terms.

My plan is to continue living, to strive for the things I care about, to make media and initiate change, to find joy and reciprocate it, to love and give and feel.

These constant rejections, companies unheard from, vague ideas of the future, it all makes my plan seem like a flaw. Because there must be some reason, maybe a million reasons, why I still don’t have a plan defined by a job, place, or company.

Frustrated, dazed, upset, I can blame society. I can blame the companies. I can blame the university. I can blame myself. I can blame my situation.

But for what?

The battles we face of doubt, insecurity, and unknowing arise from internal complications – are we starving, at life’s end, or without a way out? No.

We are okay, I think we always know that.

But we too easily let ourselves feel blown, defeated, or rightfully insulted for some unique flaw that is shared by no one else but ourselves.

So what then?

We get up, we continue on, we endure and fight and flourish.

We take a deep breath and smile, as we have been the past 21 years. We keep applying, or maybe we don’t. Maybe we take a leap of faith on our own ideas, our own hunches.

The point is, we keep on.

I will, they will, you will, we will.




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Moments made of people and places, brilliant and ordinary. ↹ Planet Earth, Milky Way

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